The Consumerist Manifesto

When, in the pursuit of customer satisfaction, it becomes necessary to dissemble and deceive corporations, my regard for the opinions of my fellow citizens requires me to explain why.

I hold these truths to be self-evident: Consumers have certain unalienable rights. Among the rights are Truth in Advertising, Perfection in Products and Services, and a Limit of Three Minutes to reach a fully knowledgeable person in Customer Service.

But when a long train of abuses by corporations reduces consumers to desperation, it is our right—it is our duty—to throw off such oppression and create new ways of gaining consumer satisfaction. The Tyranny of Corporations is pervasive and growing:

-They deceive and manipulate consumers.

-They rush to market before products and services are ready.

-They know but don’t tell about defects upon delivery.

-They systematically reduce quality but not price.

-They turn customer service into a maze of dead ends.

-They make me use my time to fix what they have broken.

Therefore I solemnly declare that I will treat offending corporations as they treat consumers. I shall expose them with the one weapon against which they have no defense: Laughter. And I’ll get them to pay for my trouble.