Kim’s Comments On Meeting Trump

Memorable moments of my imagined* phone conversation with Kim, who learned English when his parents sent him to school in Switzerland:

How did that “translators only” meeting go? We compared weight loss programs. He said I was doing better than he was. I told him my people sample what I am served before I eat anything—and only three have died so far. Trump said, “Not to worry, I won’t let the CIA poison your rice.” Trump was surprised when I asked him if I passed his one-minute test. Trump said, ”I’m still here, right?” We both smiled when he said he was jealous of how friendly the North Korean media is to me—and how maybe he could learn a thing or two.

What about American troops leaving South Korea?  We agreed it would be good for them and their families. We know many are homesick. The American troops were put there long ago to discourage South Koreans from migrating to the People’s Paradise in North Korea. When American troops go home, America and North Korea will save lots of money.

When will you begin denuclearization?  I already started. Trump said he knew and thanked me.

When will it be completed? In the future. I have plenty of time because I will be in office for 50 more years. He suggested I take pictures to send to him to show Americans how well it is going.

Many Americans think too many North Koreans are in jail for political crimes. Did he bring that up? Yes. But Trump said: “We don’t tell foreign countries how to run their governments.” I told him that is good because we do not tell America who not to jail and do not want outsiders to tell us who not to jail. We shook hands on that one.

Will you visit the United States soon? We agreed November 1 is good for both of us. The agenda will include my approval of the design for the Trump Tower Hotel in Pyongyang. I told him I want go to his favorite Burger King in Washington. He promised to have a parade in my honor.

The private meeting translators say you gave Trump a gift. Did you? Yes. It is our custom. It is the authorized history of Korea. He examined it and said he liked it, especially all the pictures. After it is translated, he said Pompeo will read parts aloud at cabinet meetings.

What about the video he showed you? It showed ideas of construction projects that would attract American tourists to North Korea.

Finally, of special interest to my readers, how are consumers treated in North Korea?Extremely well. There have been no complaints.

*This post contains a healthy portion of made-up stuff. That statement is now required by Yahoo to make sure Internet readers do not mistakenly read satire as genuine news. However, the Trump Administration’s reliance on alternate facts has fallen into an alternative world best explained by satire but unchecked by Yahoo.








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