Exclusive Interview With Donald Trump

The Donald speaks with The Consumerist

Finally free of restraints, Donald Trump welcomed the chance to answer important questions. We spoke at 3:07 AM.

Consumerist: Thanks for the chance to talk directly to you.

Trump: I’m glad to talk to someone who’s not part of the media conspiracy to fix this election. Make it quick. It’s tweet time.

C: Let’s get right to it: Are you really serious about jailing Hillary, or are you trying to pump up your followers?

T: My followers don’t need any pumping up. I have faithful followers. If I shot someone on Fifth Avenue, my people would know a liberal was about to shoot me. Self defense. I will appoint an attorney general who will keep my promises. Hillary is on my list for prosecution along with Traitor Paul Ryan and the CEOs of the major media networks.

C: Do you have anyone in mind as Attorney General?

T: Chris Christie or someone like him.

C: Do you think Christie knew about the GW Bridge blockage?

T: Of course he knew. I’ve said that many times. He’ll beat that criminal subpoena thing in New Jersey. But if they jail him, I’ll pardon him after I am President. I need him: he is charge of my transition team if I win the election. No Christie, no transition.

C: You say “if”?

T: Yes, there is a Big Fix in the works. Believe me. But if I lose, I’ll actually win because of how my followers will react. Believe me.

C: What about global warming? You’ve said it’s a hoax. Any scientific evidence?

T: Global warming is pure political correctness. Hurricane Matthew is a perfect example. There are always hurricanes. Some are bigger than others. Matthew was not as big as the “experts” said it would be. The media hyped it to attract more TV viewers. I hope they name a hurricane after me one day.

C: What are your thoughts on the attempt to liberate Mosul?

T: My generals say it will take too long and might give the enemy too much time to escape. I know what’s really going on. Obama ordered this to take attention from the election. When I take office in January, it will be bogging down big time, trust me. I’ll put my generals in charge and that war will be over in four weeks and the Iraqis will pay us back for our costs, plus 10% for overhead.

C: 12 of the Fortune 100 CEOs have endorsed Hillary. None have endorsed you. Why not?

T: Wrong. Wrong. I know most of them. Several told me they support me. If they say so in public, it will bring in regulators and tax audits. So most of the Fortune 100 CEOs are secretly voting for me. Trust me, I know who is supporting me.

C: What will you do for consumers?

T: I’ll make America great again for consumers. Consumers are being clobbered. I’ll change that.

C: How? Be specific.

T: I’ll cut corporate taxes, which will stimulate the economy and create more jobs. That’s all good for consumers. And I’ll make the trains run on time, so they can get to work on time.

T: Listen, I have to go. This is my Tweet Time. It’s now 3:14 AM.

C: Just one more: polls show you falling behind. Are you worried?

T: Me, worry? Hell no. Pollsters don’t poll my voters. My supporters are waiting for my next tweet. I’ll be great again when the sun comes up tomorrow. Believe me.

NOTE: My name is Charles Selden and I approve this post.


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