A Romney Empty Chair Interview

 Romney Answers Consumerist Questions

Corporations Are People Like Me

The 2012 presidential election may be remembered more for Clint Eastwood’s 12 minutes than anything else. He questioned an empty chair unoccupied by President Obama and pretended to be working for Romney when he was actually a double agent for Obama. Using that model, I recently interviewed Mitt Romney.

Consumerist Manifesto: Harry Truman said corporations have plenty of lobbyists, so he would be a lobbyist for the people. Would you be the people’s lobbyist?

Mitt Romney: Yes, of course. I have said corporations are people. So I would put the people’s interests first.

CM: Why do you rarely mention consumers?

MR: I mention consumers enough. Consumers—see, I did it again (hah hah)—need only look at my plan. I am going to protect consumers—that’s three times. I hope you are keeping score. I am going to get rid of The Consumer Finance Protection Bureau.

CM: You mean the Consumer Finance Protection Agency, right?

MR: Yes, that consumer agency, too. That’s five times!

CM: I thought the agency protects consumers from banks.

MR:  Consumers don’t need protection from banks, they need loans. Leave the banks alone and they’ll do their job.

CM: Should consumers be angry with corporations that don’t keep their promises?

MR: Certainly not. Anger brings out hate in people. I believe in love, not hate. I love corporations. I will spread the word.

CM: Have you ever called a service number that started with “Due to heavy call volume”—and told to try FAQs on a web site?

MR: Maybe they were helping other people. People have to be patient. And FAQs? Please watch your language.

CM: But has that ever happened to you?

MR: I don’t make those kinds of calls. Ann handles that.

CM: Explain how the “invisible hand of the market” works for  consumers. If it’s invisible, how do we know what it’s up to?

MR: You start with faith. I have faith in free markets. Stuff happens in the marketplace. Regulators don’t understand. I do:

Stuff happens for reasons not always clear. So if consumers just let it alone, the market will work in mysterious ways its miracles to perform. Am I clear about that now?

CM: Yes, you are perfectly clear.







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