Jamie Dimon’s Newest Title

JP Morgan Board Reaffirms Faith In Jamie

In addition being CEO, President and Chairman of JPMorgan Chase, Jamie Dimon has been named God by the Board of Directors. The new title is     aimed at restoring public confidence in JPMorgan Chase after its $2 billion credit derivative “bad bet” loss, which analysts now estimate at $3 billion.

A highly placed source, speaking on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to say anything meaningful, said a few board members claimed to have seen visions and heard voices urging faith in Jamie. The source commented he had never seen a board meeting like this one.

Jamie Dimon’s reaction to the board was relief and resolve: “You have answered my prayers by giving me my ‘I Claudius’ moment. I will solve the mysteries of credit derivatives.” Later Dimon was overheard saying, “When I testify before congress, I can skip the part in the oath about promising to tell the ‘whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God’.”

Securities and Exchange Commission representatives view the JPM board action as preparation for the Higher Authority Defense, the step before the Insanity Defense. The FBI, which opened its own investigation into possible JP Morgan Chase misdeeds, said, “For now we’ll let late night comedy handle Dimon and his board.”

Consumerist Takeaway: Last week JPMorgan Chase suspended its own stock buy back plan. If you are thinking of buying JPM stock, why buy stock in a corporation that stopped buying stock in itself?

The Consumerist Manifesto Handbook humorously deals with a wide variety of corporate abuses of consumers.  The book also shows consumers how to fight back for cash and comedy. It can be ordered from your local bookstore or as

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