Jamie Dimon Passes Stress Test

Exclusive Consumerist Manifesto Interview

How could you lose $2 billion?
Stuff happens. Besides, I didn’t lose it. Some of our sloppy employees made bad judgments. We’ll take care of it.

The loss is now said to be $3 billion and counting. What’s up?
A billion sounds bigger than it is. Trust me, where I come from, it’s small change.

What about implementation of the Volcker Rule?
Volcker, shmolcker. We don’t need his rules. We make our own rules.

How do you make these rules?
We make them up as we go along. Banking and trading are complicated. Just leave it to people like me. We know what we’re doing.

You’ve said regulation causes “unnecessary expenses.” Such as?
Sending people to testify to bureaucrats about running our business.

Are lobbying costs and campaign contributions necessary expenses?
Ask your congressman or senator. They’re happy if I am happy.

Will JPMorgan will ever need a bailout?
I don’t answer hypothetical questions.

Are you “Doing God’s work”?
Not me. That’s Lloyd Blankfein. But I’m the real deal. If “god” were added to my other titles, it would be by the JPMorgan Board of Directors. At our annual stockholders meeting last week, the board told me I can’t resign because, “Now we need you more than ever.” So it’s up to them whether I have my “I Claudius” moment.
Note: JPMorgan Chase’s current “hedging backfire” occurred too late to make it into my book. JPM would have qualified for special mention under “abuse cluster.” The book has a chapter on each of six abuses imposed on consumers by corporations: Deception and Manipulation, Rush to Market, Defect Toleration, Quality Fade, Fulfilllment Failure and Customer Disservice. So far JPM has committed the first three. If you own JPMorgan stock, you have been abused.

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