What does “remote event” mean in Corp-Speak?
Jamie Dimon told congress the JPMorgan Chase $3 billion loss was a “remote event.” Given the worshipful regard for Dimon by both the financial community and the US Congress, Jamie Dimon’s words deserve scripture-like scrutiny.
The key word is remote. Remote varies with context: Psychologically it means out of touch with others, such as CEOs, supervisors and regulators. Astronomically it means far from planet Earth. Geographically it’s like being in Siberia without a cell phone. Thanks to Jamie Dimon, it is a new tool for banksters* to explain away financial disasters to senators.
As a contribution to Corp-Speak, Dimon has defined a financial remote event as a forgivable multi-billion dollar bad bet that looks good before it looks bad. “Remote event” has an otherworldly ring to it, as if beyond human control and understanding.
No senator asked whether JPMorgan Chase’s substantial campaign contributions to both political parties soften landings of regrettable remote events. That line of questioning would have brought things down to earth, not where senators or Jamie Dimon wish to tread.
*Bankster was first used in the 1930s by a disreputable radio talk show host. It re-emerged in the bank meltdown of 2008. For more Corp-Speak words and phrases, see the Corp-Speak Glossary in my The Consumerist Manifesto Handbook available through your favorite bookstore or
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